The following is a transcript of an interview conducted during evening worship, Sunday 8th February 2009

Tell us what has lead up to this situation - you were feeling quite low just a few weeks ago  

I will take it back right to the beginning of my awareness of a problem.  I have battled for many years with depression, anxiety and low self esteem; my worst times being after the birth of our 1st child, Ben.  It was a traumatic introduction to being a parent with a very premature birth, a battle for his life, then continuing with the thoughts that we didn’t know what the future would hold for him.  I think this led to some sort of post traumatic stress/ post-natal depression, which was only realised after the birth of Sophie when it reached critical point.  

I met with the health visitor who pointed me to the doctor who then referred me to a Psychiatrist.  Then I moved on to taking a few courses of anti-depressants and attending counselling sessions.  We moved back to Norwich from London so as I could have extra support from my family and I seemed to be back on an even keel again.  

Over the last year things started to creep back; social anxiety, worry, obsessing about what others thought of me, no joy, everything being too much effort, and really having no desire for life, simply trying to get from one day to the next.  

It began having an affect on the family.  I was becoming very stressed and anxious about keeping the children safe, being places on time, whether the children were doing all the right things and I felt that people were judging me on their behaviour.  I was very short tempered with Andrew trying to control everything he did.  I was short tempered with everyone and seemed spoil all the things we did with my anxieties and control.  

Every conversation I had with people I was later cross examining myself checking if I’d said the right thing or offended anyone or if I was talking too much or if I’d asked them enough questions about themselves.  I believed that every one was doing every thing better than me.  This became so much that I started to avoid some social situations.  

It was also having physical affects on me.  Tight chest, increasing heart rate, wooshes in my head and headaches.  

My Church life was being increasingly affected.  I was hearing sermons and thinking they were nice but not linking them with me.  Sometimes even Andrew talking about God or singing Christian songs would make me angry.  I began to make excuses to get out of bible studies and church, which in hind-sight were petty excuses and perfectly overcome-able.    

What did you try to do about it?  

Realising just how out of control it was all becoming, I tried to read a book, ‘You can change’, by Tim Chester that I picked up at the London women’s convention but one chapter in I felt like it was telling me that I was feeling like I did as I was not a good enough Christian and needed to try harder not to sin.  It seemed to hard to do that so I gave up reading it.  

The point where it all became to much was at Christmas, I was feeling so low and my stress was impacting on everyone.  Andrew had been so patient with me but one evening he pointed out just how dreadful I was being and that he was finding it very hard.  At this point I told him that I was really down about it all too, and I actually said to him that I just didn’t want to live anymore.  That wasn’t that I wanted to die just that I wanted out of this way of living I was stuck in.  

The following day when I was less emotional we discussed the options available such as going back to the doctor and starting on anti-depressants again, but I didn’t feel it was a solution.  We decided I needed to talk with someone.  So Andrew contacted Tom to ask if there were any counselling options that were encompassing of a Christian outlook.  He told us about the Surrey Chapel counselling ministry and recommended that I meet with him to talk though my feelings and what was the best course of action.  

As you did so, you came to a realisation – can you describe what it was?  

Speaking to Tom and Andrew and attempting to re-read the book I mentioned earlier, I kept getting the message that trusting in God would get me though the hard times with the hope of what was to come.  But this message just wasn’t motivating me and in fact it was making me doubt my trust in God being there at all.  

I made notes on my questions and feelings to try to help me sort out my confusion.              

I think like I do (anxious, low SE, worried about what others think of me) because my focus isn’t on Jesus or maybe I just don’t have any faith at all?              

But how do I know if I am not sure I even believe God exists?              

I try over and over again and keep falling away maybe I’m the seed that fell on rocky ground = not chosen.              

I know how it all works so what is missing?  

Andrew saw the questions and comments and later we talked through them.  I think it was the first time I had properly faced up to these issues and was honest with myself.  I realised that I just had a knowledge of God not a heart felt relationship.  To get the heart felt relationship I needed faith in him but I realised I didn’t have that.  I wanted more evidence of his existence, I was waiting for that one last piece of evidence to convict my heart.

So Andrew and me went back to basics and discussed what the options were.  Did Jesus exist, was he from God etc.  I can’t describe exactly what happened between me and God at that point.  Some how I realised that I had the knowledge I needed to believe and no more knowledge could make me believe.  I needed to let God into my life and to submit to him as in control of my life and let him be my true desire.  

I was totally empty before God and desperate to feel his presence.  I prayed from my heart possibly not in words just true emotion, and fell asleep.

The following day the joy I felt was amazing.  I felt total love and assurance of his existence and presence in my heart and an overwhelming desire for God alone.  I totally accepted his grace.  

All the things that were stopping me putting God at the top of the agenda were made very clear to me and strength was granted to reject all those things.  I had a deep hunger for God's word.   This is something I had heard people say before and agreed with the concept but now I truly felt it.  

How did that feel?  

It was pretty indescribable but I shall have a go.  I felt released from many of my anxieties (although not all I might add) Only God mattered.  I realised God loves me whatever, there was nothing I could do to make him love more or make him love me less than he does it was freedom from my thoughts.  I got my life back.

And how is it showing in practice?  

First major noticeable things were: rejection of watching the TV, I just wanted to read God's word.  I haven’t watched Coronation street since!  I did watch Dancing on Ice whilst doing the ironing last week, but only after a debate with myself about how likely it was to encourage me to sin!  I didn’t want to hear Pop music, I changed all the CDs in various players to Christian CDs and listened to UCB and Premier during the day while I was getting on with my jobs; I noticed that I had become a shopaholic without realising and no longer felt that buying something new would be satisfying.  

I want to read the Bible, and in those first couple of weeks I would have done all day if I could.  The words spoke to me described my relationship with God and taught me more about him, when before as I mentioned they had washed over me.  I could tell my heart had been so hard before that I had such a barrier to God's word, and now that barrier had gone.  

I was praying in confidence and wanted to thank and involve God in everything.  My prayers were being answered, not because I now think I’m mega holy but because I am praying though the holy Spirit more accordance with God's will, praying everything for the glory of God.  

I had a sudden enthusiasm for Church and am now excited about coming to hear God's word and sing praises to him and sharing that with other Christians.  The first Sunday after my realisation I found the songs hard to sing and very emotional as they now meant so much to me.  All those classic clichés I heard people say were now real to me, hunger for God, thirst, looking forward to Jesus’ return etc  

My days were just easier and less stressful as I think because I have cut out all the unnecessary things and have a new outlook on each day.  It felt like God suddenly put an extra hour in my day which I was using to read the bible which was something I desperately needed to do.  

I see my role as a mother very differently and enjoy they things I do with the children and have really mellowed in how I talk to them when they are naughty or when the pressure is on.  I also have really enjoyed talking with them about God making him more a part of our everyday lives and love hearing the children singing the Christian songs I am playing.  It is a life change for them too.  I long for them to love God as well.  

Social situations are becoming easier for me and want to talk to people both Christians and strangers.  My love for people has returned.  I now want so much for other people to have the relationship with God and be free from their old lives and so many opportunities are being given to me to tell others, although not all of which I am feeling bold enough to take yet but I pray that God will change that in me.  

Early days yet, but looking back how could you explain what has happened?  

I only began attending church at the age of about 16 and was baptised at 18.  I don’t know whether mistruths were taught, implied or whether I had just misinterpreted, but being a Christian was very legalistic.  Church had just become a lifestyle.  I had learnt to say and do all the right things.  I was praying but not really aiming them anywhere and didn’t believe they would be answered it was just a way of sharing problems.  I was singing because I liked singing, studying the bible because I liked the knowledge.  I was helping others to appear good and satisfy my own need to be thought of as a nice person.  I was not intending to deceive anyone or myself I just had the wrong outlook.  I was like the Pharisees that Jesus was challenging but I just couldn‘t see it.  

God was not my desire in life it was myself, what others thought of me, whether they thought I looked to be a godly person.  I always needed to prove myself, show I was in control.  I needed to feel I had said the right things and done the right things.  This is what made it all too hard to achieve, it was all legalistic duty, a constant list of failings.  I felt I was not good enough for God.  I was also looking for fulfilment in things, and this was always short lived.  

I don’t know for sure if I was ever a Christian or whether this is just a revival but I do know that God has worked a miracle in my heart.  I have realised and repented of the things that were separating me from God, have accepted his grace, and I have a real desire to know him more.  And I want to tell others about it and that it is a promise that is open to all.  

I really believe that there is no way I could have convinced myself to make such a sudden change God is in charge of my life and is changing me.  

All these changes come not out of duty but from a true love of God and the grace he has given me.  I do these things not to make God love me or prove myself but because I love God.  I realise that I am still sinful and not good enough for God but I have now accepted his grace so now I am free.  

I sometimes still have paranoid feelings and worry about what others will think of me but the thoughts come I am made aware of them, I then centre my thoughts on what is most important and the thoughts are not so dominant in my head.  When I am feeling wound up and angry I find time to read my bible I turn to God's word to realign my thoughts.  I continued counselling sessions here for a short time as it was important to discuss with a fellow Christian my troubles so I could regain a balance of my thoughts.  

I would imagine that I will always have a tendency to be anxious and dip into times of low self-esteem.  But this experience has given such an assurance of God grace and a hunger for his word that it has rooted a deeper relationship in me, so next time I hope I will let God carry me though on the strength of his love for me and the hope of a restored life with him.  Which is what Tom was trying to tell me in the first place!  

I am now excited not only about what God has in store for me tomorrow and delighting in all the good things that God has given me such as 3 lovely children, but I am excited about my future, living for God and the assurance of the hope that one day I will see him face to face.  I pray daily for a desire for him alone and know that reading his word strengthen me.  

This years watchword could not be more relevant to me.  

If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.  

I give total thanks to God for how he’s got me to this point even though at the time it was a very dark place for me.  I also give thanks for the people he has worked through to reveal himself to me including the amazing patience and love for me he has given to Andrew and for Surrey Chapel and the support available here.  

Laura Groat 08/02/09